Rambo III: Ultimate Edition (1988)

What can you expect from Rambo III? Even in 1988 Sylvester Stallone was well on his way to becoming a complete joke, following up this disaster of a movie with the trifecta of horribleness: Rocky V, Oscar, and—my personal favorite--Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot.

We begin with a montage of some military/dictator dudes walking around a mansion, and then, lest we forget our lady viewers, we see the back of a muscle-y man--shirtless, of course. Naturally this is Rambo. The arms stretch out and dramatically tie a red headband. Then the man turns around, revealing….Sylvester Stallone with a giant mullet! He looks angry!

As is the case with many action movies from the 80s and 90s, we find our protagonist earning a living by battling random men in some sort of Southeast Asian fight club/flea market. Apparently this is the only way 80s screenwriters felt a character could be truly badass. Then Andrew Dice Clay came along and CHANGED CINEMA FOREVER.

Sylvester Stallone wrote something good once: the original “Rocky” film. He also wrote “Rambo III,” but let’s remember that most famous people were on a lot of coke in the 80s, so it probably seemed like a good idea at the time. One could interpret the Rambo movies as a deep, scathing commentary on the psychological havoc that Vietnam wreaked upon American soldiers. But let’s be honest here: this is a movie that contains lines such as, “The war may be over, but the war inside me is still going on.” So no, not a deep commentary.

Rambo III literally spends 30 seconds on the plot. Rambo’s mentor, Richard Crenna, is kidnapped by Russians and held hostage in Afghanistan. Why? Doesn’t matter, WE NEED EXPLOSIONS. Red Forman from That 70s Show tells Rambo that Richard Crenna is captured and says there’s nothing to be done. Rambo says, I’ll go get him. THAT’S THE ENTIRE PLOT. There’s not even a piece of dialogue devoted to “Are you sure you can do this? Do you need backup?” Nope, Red Forman’s just like, “Don’t fuck it up.”

As this is one of the most clichéd action movies of all time, the next scene involves Rambo finding a loveable Afghani sidekick who speaks perfect English with a “foreign” accent and takes Rambo into the “jungle,” or whatever they have in Afghanistan. Then: EXPLOSIONS AND MACHINE GUNS MORE EXPLOSIONS MUSCLES COCAINE EXPLOSIONS TERRORISTS MISSILES HELICOPTERS EXPLOSIONS GUNS KICKIN’ ASS & TAKING NAMES EXPLOSIONS and that’s the movie.