A Night to Remember (1958)

Ways to Make This Movie More British:

- Change the name to "McCricklesby's Shipping Donnybrook".

- As the ship is sinking, make everyone run around really fast and play "wackety sax" while Benny Hill squeezes the "Unsinkable" Molly Brown's bosom.

- Replace the lifeboats with giant tea cups and crumpets.

- Every character should constantly be complaining about how terrible the food is.

- Replace fiddle band with Oasis

- Instead of the boat hitting the iceberg, it merely quarrels with it, and then settles the matter with a firm handshake and a tip of the bowler hat.


Just Cold Reviewin'

Everbody knows that James Cameron’s “Titanic” is about the Titanic. But because of James Cameron’s “Titanic” (ego), few people have ever seen “A Night to Remember,” the first and best rendition of mankind’s cruise ship hubris that was the Titanic. It’s important to know that “A Night to Remember” is a British film, and as such, it’s significantly less bombastic than Cameron’s film, and much more understated, wrapped up in all the customary British formalities. So, no car-sex.

We don’t spend much time building up to the famous iceberg incident in this movie—it occurs about half an hour in. We’re essentially introduced to the characters and watch the hordes of people at the docks wish the ship off on its journey during the film’s first half-hour. There’s no Kate & Leo thing going on here—we follow upper class travelers, lower-class travelers, the captain, the boiler room, the telegraph operators, the unsinkable Molly Brown, and of course the fiddle band that played on. No one is necessarily the protagonist in this film—the passengers are shown as a collective, made up of a series of vignettes, which is a much more realistic approach than Cameron’s remake took.

The boat may be sinking, but you’d never know it, as every character goes about the night with polite dignity. There’s are a lot of “Hmm, yes, I believe the boat’s sinking, Reginald” followed by a “Hmm, yes, quite” followed by each straightening their tie and calmly walking away after a brief nod. Oh, the British…

“A Night to Remember” is a calm retelling of what really is a horror story. The crew are portrayed as understated heroes, coolly guiding passengers onto the dearth of lifeboats. Strict order is maintained. In one scene, well after the boat has begun to sunk, an officer reprimands a group of bellhops smoking in one of the lounges, telling the boys to put out their cigarettes at once or face a reprimand from the Captain. It should be noted for accuracy’s sake that the Captain of the Titanic didn’t give a flying fuck about who was smoking on the boat at this point.

The ship’s final moments as it sank beneath the water were incredibly chilling—unexpectedly so. Director Roy Ward Baker really did a remarkable job capturing the terror of the moment. We see the ship from the perspective of the survivors on the lifeboats, hearing the screams of the passengers and then nothing in the cold night air.

Ultimately a Night to Remember is a solemn retelling of a horrific tale, serving as the most accurate and definitive version of the story. It’s really worth a viewing, especially if you hated Cameron’s version.

X-Men (2000)

I really thought I’d hate this movie, but it was surprisingly entertaining. Superhero movies tend to bore me, as they mostly consist of bad writing, stupid costumes, and some of the worst acting imaginable. But the original X-Men manages to buck the trend, which is probably why it spawned two sequels a Wolverine movie. The film isn’t perfect—the CGI is a bit dated, some of the acting is flat, and there are still the typical action movie clichés of saving someone at the last second from an exploding vehicle that explodes for no reason.

Much of the movie is carried by Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, the perfect anti-hero for the movie. Skeptical about being a superhero, skeptical even about wearing the dumb leather costumes they wear as X-Men, and wisecracking throughout, he helps keep the movie smart and sharp. Perfect example of this: Cyclops (dude with the lasers) asks Wolverine how he should know he’s the real Wolverine (because of course there’s some shape-shifter character posing as everyone), and Wolverine replies, “You’re a dick.” Great, unexpected line, and delivered perfectly by Jackman. It was also a brilliant move to pair seasoned Shakespearean veterans Patrick Stewart and Ian MacKellan against each other as arch-enemies—it’s literally watching two masters at work in their scenes together.

Halle Berry just plain sucked in this though. Considering that she won Best Actress in Monster’s Ball a year after this, you’d think she could, uh, you know...act. But her performance as Storm was incredibly wooden throughout. Famke Janssen’s Jean Grey was a hell of a lot better, as she actually expressed emotions at some point. Maybe Storm is a robot? I really don’t know much about the X-Men.

The movie moves at a brisk pace, thanks to Bryan Singer’s smart direction and sharp editing. Bryan Singer would forget all of these techniques when he made the incredibly boring “Superman: The Return of Marketing Superman for $$$” in 2006. At 90 minutes, it’s the perfect length for an action movie, and lacks the sluggishness that plagued many of the other comic book movies that followed in this decade, like the aforementioned Superman and the seemingly interminable Watchmen.

Rambo III: Ultimate Edition (1988)

What can you expect from Rambo III? Even in 1988 Sylvester Stallone was well on his way to becoming a complete joke, following up this disaster of a movie with the trifecta of horribleness: Rocky V, Oscar, and—my personal favorite--Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot.

We begin with a montage of some military/dictator dudes walking around a mansion, and then, lest we forget our lady viewers, we see the back of a muscle-y man--shirtless, of course. Naturally this is Rambo. The arms stretch out and dramatically tie a red headband. Then the man turns around, revealing….Sylvester Stallone with a giant mullet! He looks angry!

As is the case with many action movies from the 80s and 90s, we find our protagonist earning a living by battling random men in some sort of Southeast Asian fight club/flea market. Apparently this is the only way 80s screenwriters felt a character could be truly badass. Then Andrew Dice Clay came along and CHANGED CINEMA FOREVER.

Sylvester Stallone wrote something good once: the original “Rocky” film. He also wrote “Rambo III,” but let’s remember that most famous people were on a lot of coke in the 80s, so it probably seemed like a good idea at the time. One could interpret the Rambo movies as a deep, scathing commentary on the psychological havoc that Vietnam wreaked upon American soldiers. But let’s be honest here: this is a movie that contains lines such as, “The war may be over, but the war inside me is still going on.” So no, not a deep commentary.

Rambo III literally spends 30 seconds on the plot. Rambo’s mentor, Richard Crenna, is kidnapped by Russians and held hostage in Afghanistan. Why? Doesn’t matter, WE NEED EXPLOSIONS. Red Forman from That 70s Show tells Rambo that Richard Crenna is captured and says there’s nothing to be done. Rambo says, I’ll go get him. THAT’S THE ENTIRE PLOT. There’s not even a piece of dialogue devoted to “Are you sure you can do this? Do you need backup?” Nope, Red Forman’s just like, “Don’t fuck it up.”

As this is one of the most clichéd action movies of all time, the next scene involves Rambo finding a loveable Afghani sidekick who speaks perfect English with a “foreign” accent and takes Rambo into the “jungle,” or whatever they have in Afghanistan. Then: EXPLOSIONS AND MACHINE GUNS MORE EXPLOSIONS MUSCLES COCAINE EXPLOSIONS TERRORISTS MISSILES HELICOPTERS EXPLOSIONS GUNS KICKIN’ ASS & TAKING NAMES EXPLOSIONS and that’s the movie.